Titles are important, and that one says
it all.
I have read
dozens of paper and electronic magazine articles, blogs, Op-Ed's of trusted and
dubious sources, and listened to countless hours of audio speeches and
presentations regarding dating, marriage and life in general. This is in
addition to being an eight-year combat veteran in the most hellish war that we
men, will ever be subjected to - Marriage.
You do not
need to read, watch, and listen to everything that I have endured throughout
the years to grasp the very basic and simple concepts - rules - that I will cover
here. You just need to read this one simple blog and commit these golden truths
to memory while clinging to them as the gospel itself.
Rules and
Things:
1.
Happy
wives make happy lives.
a. Never,
EVER forget this or think it does not apply to you.
i.
Ever.
The do your laundry, wash you
dishes, cook your food and sleep next to you. If we are pissed, we can just go
to the garage for a few hours…or days. No big deal. If she is pissed, we are
more likely to wear one-size-too-small pink shirts while sitting at the doctors
with a missing eyebrow for those stomach pains that are probably derived from
eating our lunch yogurt with the dirty butter knife she packed.
2.
She
will shop and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
a. Let
her. Unless she is bankrupting your finances, let her shop for all those soft
and shiny things she likes.
This accomplishes two things: 1)
Reinforces number one. 2) Allows you to buy what you want, if you successfully
manage to hoard enough cash over several months, without any complaints from
her.
Tip: If you keep cash in your
wallet and she asks, "Babe, do you have any cash?" say no.
Just. Say. No.
Now, you
might be asking me (yourself), "Why should I lie?" Because she will
inevitably find a way to spend the exact
amount of cash you have in your wallet. It could be one dollar or seven
hundred, it does not matter, they always find a way!
3.
It
is her day.
a. Regardless
of what the actual day is or what you are celebrating.
It does not matter where you are,
where you are going or why you went. She will make it all about her. If it is
your birthday and you want to go to a sporting goods store and she wants to go
to Whole Foods for some flowers and Gelato, you had better damned well get her
some Pansies and Mocha Chocolate Blast Fudge. After all, Sports Chalet is open
tomorrow and you did not need that awesome-life-saving-tool today right? Aww,
thanks babe, you are the best!
4.
Bed
Allocation.
a. It's
her bed, not yours and she needs "all this space".
You need to understand that 3/4
of the bed is reserved for her, and 1/4 is reserved for children, if any. On
any given night you absolutely must accept and become accustomed to sleeping on
a portion no larger than 1/4 of the total width and no smaller than the couch -
or floor - but leave the pillows if leaving the bed. Of course, she will come
to your unnaturally contorted body in the morning and say, "Aww babe, why
did you sleep on the couch/floor/litter box? You should have just woke me up or
told me to move."
And you
laugh, secretly, while rubbing the sleep out of your remaining eye with the
amputated stump of your left hand…
5.
It
is perfectly acceptable for her to put her iceberg hands and feet on your warm
and toasty body.
a. Take
whatever intimacy you can get and when you can get it, regardless of the actual
intent behind it.
However, don't you dare even think about
trying to put a cold hand on her stomach, back or butt or even trying to
snuggle close to her for warmth.
Doing so will
only reward you with the reactionary consequence appropriate to your attempts
to slaughter her children in front of her, during "that week of the month."
6.
It
is your fault.
a. It
always has been and always will be.
Get over it and stop arguing. The
sooner you accept this one simple fact, the sooner you can move back to
reinforcing point number one, thus ensuring you live a long and happy life.
It does not matter if she totaled the car while you
were building houses for the poor and sick in Bolivia. If you had bought her
the luxury model instead of the mid-grade, or if you had been in the country to
have lunch with her instead of off on some stupid mission to save the elves, it
never would have happened.
Sigh….
7.
You
are wrong.
a. Always
have been, always will be.
See also points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
12, 13, 14, & 15.
8.
You
do not need to sleep.
a. It's
a simple fact of life that men can operate just as effectively on 3 hours of
sleep as we can on 8 hours of sleep.
Think Navy Seals.
If she went
to bed at 8pm and you went to bed at 11pm, after putting the kid(s) to bed, she
will expect you to get up with them in the middle of the night.
If you do not,
be prepared for her to "accidently" punch you in the face, throat, or
stomach when she violently throws the covers off to get out of bed. Such
"apologies" as, "Well if you had got up, this wouldn't have
happened." are pretty standard and to be expected.
See also points 1, 4, 6 & 7.
9.
Bathroom
Allocation.
a. She
needs all of it when getting ready for the day. Do not attempt to encroach on
this space.
You should always ask if she is done in
the bathroom before you shower. Expect that even if she says yes, she will find
some reason to enter and occupy it during "your time."
Expect and
accept that you may very well be standing in the hallway, soaking wet, without
a towel, during the middle of winter in a house with a broken furnace more
often than not.
And don't you
dare spray that cologne while I am in here! In fact, go outside and do it. See,
that's perfect babe, thanks, love you!
10. Your plans vs. her plans.
a. Our
plans will always be stupid, hot, smelly or "OMG, you are sooooooo boring,"
when compared to hers.
I think enough has been said on this. See also
points 1, 3, & 7.
11. Be honest, but only answer one
time.
a. There
is nothing wrong with saying you like the blue one better, however, you must
become aware of her attempts to draw you into her indecisive state of mind and
refrain from this.
"Babe, do you like the blue ones or the purple
ones better?"
"The blue ones."
"Really?"
You should have left or be leaving the room at this
point.
12. Say yes to both.
a. If
you are a "young & uneducated" husband or were not able to exit
the room in time.
"Babe, do you like the blue ones or the purple
ones better?"
"Yes."
"Babe! Seriously."
"They both look great."
When she turns to look in the mirror, leave. Leave
as fast as you can. Or….
"Babe, do you like the blue ones or the purple
ones better?"
"The blue ones."
"Really? What about now?"
"The purple ones."
"Babe! Seriously."
"What?" - Your face should be completely
devoid of any emotion, inflection, or signs of life. None at all.
Eventually she will come to accept your first
answer, stop asking or you will learn to escape before the interrogation really
begins.
Do not stuff
food in your mouth or take a drink and think it will get you out of it. Those
commercials are stupid, disingenuous and they do not work on the American wife
species. She will wait, impatiently, for you to finish chewing and expect an
answer.
13. It really does not matter…
a. What
you say.
If you are in trouble, you are in trouble. If you
are wrong, you are wrong. If you are right, you are wrong. If your plans are
the most awesome in the history of awesome, they are nothing compared to hers.
It really does not matter who is wrong, right,
awesome, or boring. As long as she is happy, you will have an awesome life.
By the way,
she is never wrong, boring or not-awesome - you are.
14. She does it on purpose.
a. She
knows she can and there is nothing you can do about it without living in misery
for the rest of that pathetic existence she saved you from.
b. Don’t
fall for the cutesy way she bats her eyelashes and says, “Whaaaat?” Remember
G.I. Joe.
She makes you late - to everything. She
hogs the bed - every night. She hogs the bathroom - every day, sometimes twice
a day. She bakes all kinds of awesome, sweet, fattening things and forces you
to eat the last little bit of whatever is left on her plate.
She says when
you met you looked "sick" because you were so thin. Now she says you
look "healthy" with an extra 180 lbs. She does it on purpose. She
wants you fat so you cannot run away and she wants to make sure no other woman
looks at you with anything other than a disgust level just short of puke in the
mouth.
Yet, you buy
her a gym membership because you love her and that is what will make her happy.
Remember #1 -
never forget.
And she makes
you pancakes, brownies, blueberry muffins and
cream-cheese-filled-pumpkin-rolls.
Fair trade.
15. Everything she does is cute,
logical or out of necessity of self-preservation.
a. Everything
you do is the exact opposite.
If you accept this fact now, it will
save you a little bit of time and a whole lot of stress later in life. What I
mean by that is; you will no longer have to ask, "What in the hell were
you thinking woman?" while fighting off a cardio-pulmonary embolism. You
will already know why she did what she did and honestly, it will not matter if
you do not agree with it - because you are wrong; you are always wrong, remember?
She wants the
lid down, presumably so she does not fall in. Seems legit, C.H.U.D. is a very
real threat these days - self-preservation.
She wants all
the covers, no problem. She is skinny and soft and you are fat and hairy,
thusly you sweat more and do not require the blankets at night - logical.
She needs the
entire bathroom for 2 hours while getting ready for a night out, no problem.
She is cute and you are fat, hairy, sweaty, and smelly anyways right?
I mean, after
all, who in their right mind is going to be looking at us?
By now you should have realized that point number
one is the most important and is driven and affected by all the others. If you
have not, or refuse to accept this point of fact…
Good luck, but don't say I didn't warn you.
In Liberty,
Richard Camacho
